actually this entry was meant to be posted on monday but i didn't have the time.

me n wilson celebrate valentine's day earlier this year since he has to work on tuesday and things are probably gonna be pricier that day.

as usual wilson will fetch me back from work if he has the time and so after i finished work he was already outside my office waiting. as i open his bike box to place my bag inside i found a box.
Click on pictures to Enlarge

surprise surprise!

wasn't expecting anything at all since our finances are abit tight so i'm pleasantly surprised heh
we proceed to going where we initially planned to have our dinner. China Square's Benppu Ramen. lol wilson wanted to try the spicy ramen again. or shld i say, challenge it.

he ordered the spiciest one and i took only ONE sip of the soup, mind you, and my god it's freaky hot and i refused to try anymore of his soup haahahaha it's all red can? my tolerance for spicy food is not bad but wilson is one crazy bloke.

we both liked the chicken ramen so we both ordered it again heehee ordered two ramen, shared a apple snapple and a chocolate dessert. yummy. abit too sweet for me the dessert but wilson liked it. =D

then we moved on for me to open up the mysterious box wilson gave me that's pretty heavy.

He bluff me say inside put hamster. -__-"

to think i nearly believed him bcos i DID once received a mysterious box as a birthday present from Ivan, childhood soccer mate, and inside was a hamster. apparently feng got shocked when the box jiggled suddenly. me n a bunch of my friends were at the arcade and we actually even placed the box near the DDR machine. gawd. but the hamster proved to be a hardy one cos it grew really old n big n fat til the ancient age of 3 years. hamsters aren't suppose to live that long if 'ya know.

anyway, Here Goes...

a box filled with blue paper shreds of my favourite colour, a cute mini handmade purple bouquet from bras basah that i've always commented that i liked when we pass by the shops in the past, and last but not least, a bottle affixed with my fav lavendar flower sticker filled with saga seeds that were handpicked by wilson. How Sweet! and what a surprise.

lol leftover saga seeds. apparently wilson picked too many and was unable to put them all into the bottle haha so he said he placed it on the paper shreds for the dramatic effect but lol his bike was jerky so all dropped to the bottom of the box instead hahahaha

the silly cow forgot to remove the price tag from the bottle hahahaha


artisitic *cough* shot of the saga seeds.

after dinner we strolled to a bench to chat n relax and took some random shots together. we pretty much went home after that to rest. it's been a long day.

now the presents are placed infront of my comp shelf for me to view them everyday.

besides Terry, my poly mate who is a mad crapper, i think wilson comes just about second with his cold jokes.

wads more is that most of what wilson says are impromptu?
it's so cold ur brain kinda freezes and don't know wad to react? you feel like both strangling him and also laughing?

i mean i've mentioned plenty of times to immy about how i'm tempted to take pics of the random cold joke topics (wadever inspired him into cracking the joke at that pt of time) and then blog the pics with a quotation of wad he said.

ah yi probably gotten a few dosage of his jokes and both of us crackled and felt like collapsing.

and so today at the car park while i'm seeing him off to work he cracked yet another joke that blew my mind.

can't help but to post it this time cos it's really really REALLY REALLY lame.
but it's funny of course.

whenever i'm at work and bored (almost all of the time), i'll be flooding ah yi n hailoon n chingling's mailbox. since ah yi's always busy, most of the time it's onli HL and me crapping thro n fro via email. we were talkin abt qualifications and jobs and etc and she mentioned about sales job being not so demanding of quali but more of talent and is high paying job. yeah it's high paying alright, likewise stressful too. and so i crapped and replied saying i dun wanna die young but to live till a century old to be able to see my gu n gu jr and grand gu jr and great grand gu jr and my life's ideal is to go live in japan to eat sushi everyday to reach my goal of being a century old.

so since i repeated this to wilson, he's bound to gimme some crappy answers as well.
He Did.

Wilson: "our Cow's Jr"
Maria .: "huh? Carl's Jr?"
Wilson: "Cow. C-O-W."

I blinked and stoned for a couple of seconds before collapsing hopelessly in laughter.

if you still don't know what Carl's Jr is (well, u shld, but just in case u don't), it's newly opened burger joint found in Marina Square.

Website for Carl's Jr (click)

oh yeah remember i mentioned about the new batch of hamster babies at the pet safari? i forgot i sneaked a shot of them when i was there hehehehe they're super super active running all over the place. when they are not running all over, they cuddle all together to gather warmth. so damn cute right?





i know most ladies who dolls themselves up once in awhile or at least have maintenance over their looks will TRIM their eyebrows. whether the shape is nice or not is another matter.

but sorry, i'm hopeless with that. duno technique to it and is hopeless with tweezers. the most i can manage is just to at least more or less keep it within wad my initial trimmed shape was and get rid of the 'weeds'. it's been a long while since the last time i went to trim my brows. that was my first time trimming brows anyway. shaikha brought me o'er. lijun got nice eyebrows i think haha

and so along the way mom started complaining that my eyebrows are messy again. for months she complain. so today i gave up and went to have them trimmed. very painful can? the girl made it slimmer than my previous attempt but it's nice lah i guess. amazing i never tear altho i sneezed. for what seems like 5 mins or more they earn my $12. good money right?

realised the sides of my eyebrows all red already haha

I so tempted to buy a hammie today. a new batch of robrovski hammies so tiny that you can't even manage to grip tight enough to fill up your palms. yes damn small. me n gu nearly bought one home. it's ard as long as ur THUMB goes.

oh yes btw, NEWSFLASH! STUPID wilson invented a new nickname for me to replace the "gugu". that explained how cowtales evolved. he's supposed to be "gu" and me "gugu" since we both quite headstrong at times, stubborn as well, and extremely clumsy and hazardous to be ard. Since ages ago he has been telling ppl he has three hamsters at home. two of our stinky babies and one is me. *roll eyeball* oh yeah i forgot to mention wad the nick is. it's HAMMIE. wah lau! coincidentally tho, i have a girl in my office whose name is hammie too! lol

went to meet my ex-discovery colleagues today. haiz. stupid rain suddenly started. HUGE one somemore then i got thoroughly soaked and my pants was totally wet since the stupid rain and wind blew crazily and worse off, my office quite far away and i have a long way to walk and also, the road is uneven. so there were massive puddles everywhere. almost can describe as flooded cos at some pt the water got to be ankle high. somehow thank goodness i wearing strapped heels. better than havin me leather shoes soaked.

Nowadays job market abit fucked up. I've experience some stuff during my job hunt since dec till last mth before landing a job in my current job altho it's under a six month contract only...

interviewers quite sucky is one thing, another thing is the CRITERIA they set. damn shitty. and you thought the market is gettin better.

was randomly readin blogs and saw this.

read if you're interested.

Difficult job marketing in SG (click to enter website)

Click on the pictures if you wanna enlarge ya.

to entertain myself further and being lured by the nice nice covers, i bought another set of David Edding's Fantasy series. sorry lah i like his books mah

This is one of the two (total 6 bks) covers for the series The Elenium.



nice isn't it? i showed Feng this link and she was wowing at it as well.
now in office my pc is SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER slow cos disk space very very tight. so i cant work very fast but once i'm giving work i'm at it the entire time so i'm a pretty fast worker. since i don't have routined tasks that i'm in charge of yet, i get things to do when onli ppl ask me to do things. for now, that is. so when i don't have tasks given means i have nothing to do, i read books. lotsa books. just to sustain me for the empty hours. it keeps me from sleeping at least. if anyone scolds me for it i'll stare man. no one did yet tho lol.

oh yeah btw i found this on my table. my mom's old friend, an seafood wholesaler whom i've known as "uncle fisherman" since young, gave me chocolate which he bought from a country he holiday-ed in Cina, Slavasovska. (where's that??)


chocolate!

on a bored night, me n my cousin will talk cock.

seems like being a little siao siao and thick skinned run in the blood of our family muahaha



every week wilson has his bike washed. i'm the one who washes the bike. O__O

these few weeks fat cat likes to come n disturb us. annoyingly wilson will start talking to the cat calling out "fei mao! fei mao!" and the cat will reply him with a kiddy meow.

then it'll sit down and watch me wash bike. how peculiar. see how big it is!



then we got slightly hungry. wad to do, his gf can't cook lol not so talented like lijun so he has to settle with my cup noodles. i got add xtra sesame oil n stuff inside tho so he say NICE! muahahaha

1:55PM

I'm actually typing this to keep myself pretty much awake and not doze off once again. I've read so much of my novel sicne I stepped into the office that I've even managed to reach its final chapter. I'll leave it aside for later or I'll be too bored towards the end of the day.

Note that it's not even two o'clock yet. I have pretty much 4 more hours to go with absolutely nothing to do.

At this rate, I seriously wonder if I can last even to complete my six month contract with my company.

Normally it would be that if you were to hire a staff, be it for temp or full time, you'll have an idea of why you hire that fella for and what you want that fella to do right?

I wonder why I'm hired. Can't be just to stand in to do reports for a lady who's on a one n a half week leave right? For the fact that the things given to me to do is seriously limited beyond words, none even for now, this becomes very questionable. and annoying.

If only I have internet access. I'll comfortably keep my complaints stored aside till another few more weeks later.

People obviously suggested to have me ask my supervisor about it. I thought of it but I felt like a bug. Or a fly. Or some kind of insect at least. Whenever I raise the slightest issue with her and she stands up to go and ask about it, she leaves me half trailing behind unsure if I'm supposed to follow her or go back to my seat and wait. When I waited, she almost never gets back to me. Then I'm left there to doze off once again with hours and hours to spare.

ARGH

This sucks man.

I had lunch with my ex-colleagues from Discovery. Chingling's back with them as a temp for 3 months. I sorely miss them and having lunch with them helps to keep my sanity.

I had been offered to go back to Discovery quite a few times already actually, but all on temporary basis and non are full time positions. How infuritating.

There's a difference in culture here, and the fact that I'm thje kind that works well under any circumstances only IF i had good support and a good and fun working environment/relationship with my colleagues. Thinking about all these with the spare time I have doth make me detest my current work quite alot.

I've scribbled somewhere about this but I think it's abit overstated.

I wrote about how everyone here behaves in a way where they try to maintain a "professional" attitude. I would've prefer a more modern and relaxed approach if u ask me. A different dynamic. They reach out very little to new hire(s) since it's not really their business to. And so for the past 2 weeks and additional one day that I've worked, I've only been out eating with others twice. The rest of the 9 days I've either not eaten or eaten alone.

I recall how the 'mothers' of discovery use to pamper ppl with lotsa lotsa food. they'll try to make you feel comfortable and ask someone to bring you out for lunch etc

Even tho ah yi is much much older than me (super late twenties), and HL is also a few years my senior, which I think is more or less the same as my current colleagues, the difference in behaviour is BIG can!? I'm uncomfortable hanging out with ppl senior my age or sometimes, my age. I'm more comfortable with people born in the year 1984 somehow. Most of my good friends are that age anyway.

At least ah yi and HL behaves on the same "talk cock level" as me despite their age.

ah yi's bubbliness and helpfulness is kind and infectious. sometimes she is so blur cock until u want to puke blood. HL behaves, talks, and dress like a poly student still.

I eat alone, I seat almost alone (behind me is a lady but she's the "I do my own work" kind and generation gap also and... The list goes on lah), and I stone for hours. My agency introduced another temp staff (graduate) also into this company previously. I'm not very fond of him. He's the kind that gets pretty absorbed in what he is doing and well, I'm none of his business anyway so he didn't have to talk to me and ease my tension in getting settled down. You get the drift ya? He makes me feel stupid and I obviously didn't like that, whether it's intentional or unintentional, altho i more or less know it's the latter...

8.00++++PM

wilson say got irritating pet owner let doggie poo in shop so it STINKY INSIDE!! wahahah.. damn jia lat. then got irritating nose up high customers also. think they study too much. brain cell toasted.

for some strange unknown reason, wilson noted and informed me that i'm having rashes. startled, i looked at my arms. GEEZ! they look hideous lah maciam skin disease. i hardly get rashes so it's pretty rare and i dun like them.

woke up and checked this morn and it's still there. less obvious but still around nonetheless. RARRR!!!

valentines day is just around the corner. wilson was supposed to be off that day since it's a tuesday but for some stupid stupid reason, they made him go back for work. and he can't take leave. they must've decided on it deliberately. assholes. worse off, he has to work till past mid night since the pet safari is moving up to the third floor for 3mths while the original outlet gets renovated. lotsa shifting to do.

OBVIOUSLY i'm upset but i chose not to talk about it. lotsa things went thro my mind on our way back from a dinner @ changi village. i tend to zone out and think lots when i'm upset and there's alot of things going inside. people around me will simply note my sudden quiet disposition. wilson know i'm upset but he's not the type who says things to console u. so i was pretty much left alone to deal with it. i'm not entirely sure which would be better.

i'm upset but i kept it in throughout and didn't even discuss about it up till today and don't think i'll ever bring it up. it's technically a rather small thing. since till hours later he did suggest us celebrating on the day before instead. i'm fine with that at least.

i wonder how come i can be so practical even when i'm upset. i wonder if it's healthy lol.

i was even weighing out the pro n cons in my mind when i'm upset and deciding upon which consequence of my selected behaviour would be more appropriate and positively meaningful. ranting at him won't solve anything since it's not up to him to decide his off days. saying spiteful things might release some of the anger i have inside but ultimately upsetting him as well cos he's helpless and upset as well and things will work negatively from there. he knows i'm upset so there's no point repeating the obvious. perhaps only one thing which i've hoped he'll do is to console me. but he's not the type who's good with words. the way he adopt in dealing w me when i'm upset is to leave me alone. time for me to cool down. i know this is not the exact right way to do it. some words needs to be said sometimes.

i did wonder if it's the mentality that 'well, i'm upset too' that led to the lack of consolation.

i do fear that when bigger probs happens in the future, such situations will become rather tricky and till then, i might deal with things rather more unpleasantly.

independence in solving issues urself can be like a double edge sword sometimes. sometimes i fear such inner growth. growth in strength. sometimes it brings ppl closer.. sometimes it makes ur mind clearer.. but sometimes it builds a wall inside u.. and since u think clearer now, u question and u push ppl away. what if.. one of my "strength" works against me? what if instead of giving me clearer perception it gave me prejudices as well. that i no longer empathise others the way i should? that i become careless and inconsiderate?

my folks, i know, blames me sometimes. in a way at least. that i'm a rather inconsiderate daughter. i'm not sure what to contribute that reason to. if i'm a parent, i'll probably blame "me" as well. but i simply cant relate properly. perhaps i can use generation gap as an excuse. a difference in thoughts and communication style really stiffles alot of thing sometimes. i uselessly adopt a seemingly indifferent behaviour altho wad i'm doin is merely sparing myself the emotions to deal with anything. numbing myself while others hurl things to accuse me. since i can't do anything about it, i don't wanna deal with it.

i think if someone were to ask me the way i feel things or how my thoughts are processed, the word "Ambivalence" would pop up almost immediately. The simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings towards things. it's very tiring lah. like quarreling or having a debate with urself haha..

WHEE! Carpark shots once again!!!



i had helluva busy day today lah. right after lunch i had no rest. was preparing the reports like mad but then before that, i was still waiting for data so i dozed off while sitting again. bored ma since no internet no nothing. wad to do right?

then justin who sits next to me pokes me and ask me to try to stay awake. say ppl might be looking. ok lah i know he just trying to be nice lah so.. actually i didn't feel embarassed. cos i'm not skiving.

was supposed to meet terry after work but cancelled so i decided to go simei and give my dear a visit. though it's not for very long, at least i know he'll be happy. i had my dinner there anyway.

was looking at the puppies and realised shi tzu puppies are damn cute. but i don't like them when they grow up. i'm not very fond of those type of dogs. saw a chocolate coloured labrador puppy. damn cute lah but it was sleeping. then there were pomeranan puppies. white ones from australia. aiyah don't know how to spell the dog names lah so cheem hahahahaha ultimately the one that caught my attention and had me squatting next to it for a good ten minutes was a super tiny silky terrier pup. it was on the verge of dozing off. like .. swaying left n right and then jerking awake and adjust sitting and then doze off again. then sway sway then after that it toppled over!!! damn drama n cute!! i nearly laughed out loud. it got up and in a crawling like motion walk over to near the cage bars and lean on it. occasionally it'll jerk it's lil hind leg. damn cute lah bth.

wilson was bullying the hammies again. then there was super small one. think it was a yellow pudding hammie. then wilson let me hold it and it stood in my hands staring at me in a blur eyed manner. so cute!!!

just summing up some thoughts. if you beg to differ or wish to enlighten me in new perspections, u can alwayz leave comments.

"time will heal all wounds"

how true is this?

to me? depends.

successful only if you understand what this line implicates.

so now, do you blindly apply this 'principle' in how you would prefer to handle situations that's a lil sticky and hurts u inwardly? do you understand what it truly means? how would u interpret this line? what is the role of TIME in this aspect. if u take it simply from face value, it almost seem as if it's implying that TIME is the ultimate key to solving issues that you don't wanna face isn't it?

Note: i mentioned "issues that you don't wanna face"

simply said, you're running away from the problem itself. you dare to probe further should it hurt you more or should the truth be something you can handle.

sad thing is, even if we may know what it means, even if we fully understand the concept, can we implement it? are we able to adhere by it? there's too many emotional complications that pushes us away from facing it.

TIME helps, if you eventually intend to face the issue. dun take ur own sweet time. wad i mean would be that being aware that you have an issue to face though u may lack the courage to face it yet, time presents u the element to have allowance to sort things out and eventually bring you forward to the platform where you can finally face the issue face to face.

escape is not a method to solve anything at all.

agreeing with a more theoretically put way iman have said this, emotional amnesia never works. lotsa ppl hav the attitude that somehow if you 'work at it' things will get out of hand or emotions will become unbearable when ppl tell you straight in the face the answer you seriously don't wanna hear. even if u know it's coming. u simply just don't wanna hear it first. how rational can we force ourselves to be? is facing problems actually prolonging issues and pains or bring about more hurt or stuff like that or does it hurt more over the long run simply bcos u ran away in the beginning? can we actually just push it away and stash it aside? it almost never promise to stay kept. it simply keep crawling back. the way iman says it? "push away and narcotise it till it blow up".

it you don't look at it, will it cease to exist? but then again, isn't it stupid bcos once u look at something almost out of pure randomness that evokes back the memories of the unwanted and you become flooded by emotions and pain once. so fresh it stinks and so fresh like it happened only yesterday. we behave like children covering our eyes refusing to look at it.

if you have a misconception that leaving things UNATTENDED and have time heal its wound, no wounds will therefore heal cos there was no mending done. only when you face your problems and constantly reflect on it to mend the wound, then will time allow the comprehension and lessons learnt slowly dawn on u.

what you don't seek to understand (with definitive answers - sometimes maturity is not the main point in comprehension) you won't understand even with time. doesnt matter if u give yourself 1 week, 1 month, 1 year or even a freakin decade. if you think it over, who knows, you might still not understand! if it means something, it's STILL gonna hurt all the same or perhaps, the type of sadness or pain you feel is no longer the same kind. perhaps wad was once a sharp pang of loss becomes replaced with some sort of regret but still, pain is pain right?

overcoming things we face several stages. first we get so stun we might not even react. we don't feel cos havent got the time to comprehend wad's going on. soon when assumed comprehension dawns on us, we feel sad, and soon, we try to rationalize it and we feel anger. we feel hate. we feel vengeful even. then as it gets longer, if we think more, perhaps sad again. this time with regret. or then again, you might feel more light-hearted. it depends on situation of course.

it is not foolish to understand the role TIME has in healing wounds but foolish only if you mistake it to be the element to flush away the wounds. but of course, we can't discount away how weary it can get and mentally, emotionally and perhaps physically draining certain traumatic episodes can get. but running is a temporary comfort. the problem will still be there somehow, no matter what n no matter how.

i remember my own moments of waking up and feeling that life in reality is like a nightmare and i'd rather go back to sleep.

i remember where every night i get plagued with dreams, or rather i'll prefer to call it nightmares, that includes my ex.

i remember telling myself that i'll let time help me muster up the courage i need to bring me forth to the time where i'm able to make decisions finally.

i remember the pain vividly of the nights where i cried yet there was no tears nor were there sound coming out. the pain was too much to even squeak a note of pain.

i remember having sat n stoned for ages and ages re-enacting scenes of the past.

i remember the lies told and the fact i know the truth and yet i listened silently to the lies n to painfully hold myself back to let the liar reveal his true colours in time.

i made hundreds or perhaps thousands or even to the point of it being countless amounts of decisions and thoughts.

i remember me trying to remain rationality and objectivity even when so confused and lost.

i saw myself being strong. i saw my changes. i saw a new me.

then, i made that step out.

onto the platform.

i'm actually pretty tired after a long day at work. what makes it more tiring or if not, frustrating is that i didn't even do anything. i had nothing to do! i had my tasks and jobs, yes, but the data are not coming in! the US, China, and Taiwan offices are not sending in me the stuff yet! the database is not churning up anything at all. i stare at the stupid screen for hours and hours hoping for something to churn up and i get peanuts which i finished dealing with within an hour. i have to wait till tomorrow for that datas come up before i can do any manipulation to do wadever i need to do. can u imagine wad i did to try and clear my remaining 7 hours!? i dozed off countless time and wake up to stare at the computer and dozed off again. then finally i resorted to simply taking out my novel and read it. thank god i brought my discman somehow. in case u didn't know, i don't have internet access. i can't surf net yah. no one's sending me email either cos i havent let known my email account except to my ex colleagues. was supposed to meet them for lunch today but got cancelled cos they'll be visiting Aime, my thai ex-colleague, in the hospital. heard that her illness might get a relapse. she's been unwell since last year and that ailment seriously made her spent ALOT of money and time and it's both mentally and physically challenging and draining for her. she's of a super small frame. i remembered the times where i saw her shivering/shaking even while holding a cup. she's the affectionate sort so she likes to hug and i didn't complain about it. you could feel her shaking as she hugs u and it really pains me.

quite frankly, i miss discovery and miss my ex-colleagues. since they're all the mama who cooks a whole lot they'll baby u like mad lol and obviously i missed the slacker dress code. even tho i don't think most of those who sat around me were older than leehuei, still, leehuei is at least more approachable and behaves more youthful. i find myself having difficulty clicking with the rest of the ppl. since i'm not the sort that engage in prep talks with the 'hey how r u' and follow up with asking ppl abt their stuff, i don't get into grps so easily. i simply smile lots when i pass them by (since bf nagged me so many times to be less grouchy and ah yi they all also say their first impression from me is i very fierce O_o) so since day 1 i've been very friendly and smiling like an idiot and when i gav ah yi a pretty candid recount of my behaviour she laughed her head off.

life's a big joke sometimes. u just gotta learn how to relax and laugh w it.

no matter how open i become, i'm still me. i'm still generally withdrawn by nature.

i wanna travel. haiz.

my god, american idol is killing me. i mean the.. cannot make it contestants. argh. why are there so many weird..ppl..

Happy CNY to U all!

Been a busy week. lol

too busy to even blog about anything since I'm always returning home late nowadays due to the cny celebrations and hanging out with friends.

Wilson took a shot of this cute lil fellah at the pet shop. ain't it cute till u wanna tweak its whiskers!?

oh yeah just a note beforehand, click on below pictures to enlarge.



I went over to my cousin's house (bryan, lionel and kris) for reunion dinner on saturday night. we had steamboat and some how family loves to simply have steamboat at home nowadays. steamboat is good as long as it has tom yam, more meat and less SEAFOOD. for those who knows me well will know that i simply dislike eating seafood stuff e.g. fish..prawns..etc etc. i like crabs tho. i mean i'll still eat fish and prawns provided they're fried or has lotsa chilli or something. basically i can't tahan the fishy-taste found in all seafood. so when i'm presented with all these seafood and abalone and duno wad.. it's like a nightmare. i'll just ke siao fill my bowl up with wadever else edible like vegetables, mushrooms, chicken, crabsticks and i'll stick to just simply eating those and nothing else.



see lah. bryan got the sony ericsson walkman phone. HAO LIAN LAH!! button so complicated and speaker maciam 2 or 3 times louder than mine HAO LIAN LAH!!!! *show teeth* MY CAMERA BETTA! muahahahaha wah lau his hp ah once it starts with techno like music hahaha damn jia lat. like in clubbin area maciam. we were watching Godzilla (for duno how many times already) on channel 5. new year can have something new anot ah!? why always repeats!?!? after that they were showing Rush Hour. then u can see chris tucker and his mad face. my stupid auntie suan me. ask me be vegetarian cos i refuse to eat fish n prawns. GIMME CHICKEN LAH!

wilson came n pick me up from my cousin's hse at around 10.30pm. while i was bending over to tie my shoe lace at the door steps bryan use his stupid nails scratch me back. that stoopid boi!! then i drag him to follow me downstairs then while walking down the steps he was putting his hands on my shoulders lah then walk behind me. never cease to take the opportunity to suan me. suddenly come n tell me he'll lose balance if he goes on like this. refering to putting hand on mi shoulder. then cont to tell me balance not proportionately distributed cos i short and he tall. #^%&%^&@#!! ok lah fine i know i'm nearly 20cm shorter than him but still!?!?! no big no small! #^%&%^&@#!!

i swear that kid's ass itching. nid some serious spanking!

the neighbourhoods i go to hor always got kids play those sparkles thingy or rocket with the piu piu sound. how come my neighbourhood don't have ah?? the kids no like to play??

me n wilson left to go ang pow river lah. at first we had plans one loh end up everybody wishy washy and wadever plans all gone down the drain so me n my dear went to ang pow river. i first time go can!? excited. muahahaha end up nothing much to see except i bought some cute handiwork stuff and i wanted to eat cup corn one leh but never lah cos expensive. $2. last time $1.50. ceh! wilson bought this moo moo ice cream!! moo moo leh!!! so exciting HAHAHAHAHA



then got fire works! ahaha i first time see fireworks so close. swakoo until like duno wad hahahahaha but fireworks so-so lah no big deal also. if i post all the shots one by one think can sleep liao. so i combine into collage lah.



nice anot ah?

sunday is chu yi (first day of lunar month) right? so means must do visiting. we must go makan and visit relative hse but good for me, my dad's side is one stop station. lol. all gather gather around eldest uncle's hse and we the younger ones simply happily gather our ang pow collections. muahahaha wilson wore poker card (ban luck) boxers<------ AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA cos he say will bring him luck if he were to gamble. he has a friend name lee ann. every year wilson n his friends will visit that friend's hse and they will play mahjong there. last year wilson 'donated' $200 to that guy.


wilson's ban luck boxers

since my family starts pretty late so we went to do our visiting on wilson's side of family first. i went to his hse first then followed on to his aunt's hse and his god ma's hse. got into the hse end up the aunt ask him, "so when next time treat eat?" (it means when i get to makan ur weddin dinner lah). wah liao. then.. cos got new born in that family, the aunt ask again, "so nxt year ur turn issit?" (duh! baby!) wah liao X 2.

we saw this.


pwar! LV thrash can dun play play! ahahahahha

around four plus five we went to my uncle's hse for visiting.
most of my relatives came lah. the usuals. this year i brought wilson along with me so some of them was abit surprised hahahaha but it's normal lah. introducing new face. bring him for the subsequent years and it'll be alright.


bryan n kris

see bryan and that stupid grin. he kept poking me. but nvm, i got another cousin to help me use his butt squeeze bryan on the right while i squash him from the left.

after the visiting me n wilson left to meet up with his friends to go kbox. wah lau. new year no joke. freakin expensive can!? but bo bian lah we're there already. there wasn't enuff rooms yet so they put us in this. damn big ahhhhhhhhh....!!! ahhahahaha i think it's one of those rooms meant to entertain corporate customers with lotsa lotsa ppl. four of us were like takin up this empty room and there was an additional tv for watching soccer ahahahaha



but as soon as the 'live' match was about to start they found a room for us and shifted us over. the boys were grumbling for good reasons. ahahahha we sang for so many hours and my throat was gonna crack man. i think by the time we left it was four over am in the morning!!!! wah lau.


"tired lah...."

that concludes sunday lah.

monday we went to .. the.. lee ann's hse ahahahha wilson's that friend who wins everyone's money from gambling lah. after getting into the hse this doggy was sniffing me out and followed me all the way to the couch. it has super big eyes.



we were watching The Promise's vcd on tv. the movie..... duno leh. i still don't like cecilia cheung hahahaha the movie's abit slow and weird lah. but then again there were some pretty novel stuff. as usual i liked my japanese actor. then i realise the korean and japanese actors were speaking in chinese! like.. basically there was no dubbing with the foreign actors speaking their native language. they were made to speak chinese! wah lau! no wonder sound so weird but still very power leh. the japanese one have good dictation! *beams w pride at idol* wahahaha

we went back to wilson's hse for reunion dinner later that evening and after the dinner we headed straight to Orchard. We were running late to meet my poly mates at Heeren's Balcony. guess wot? none was early. lol horrigible.

everyone who was supposed to turn up turned up. heh too bad mark, terry n mike coundn't make it to join us this round. it was a lil packed inside so we had a lil trouble getting seats at first but managed a corner seat and there were chairs stashed away behind the curtain hehehehe so we took them all out to sit. the mocha was a lil too thick. wilson was startin to get a headache so i had to finish it up for him on top of the cuppacino i ordered. felt pukish afterwards haha too gelat lah. our chatterings ended around eleven odd at night and most of us left for home except for pat, wei n jolene who went to eat at coffee club. me n wilson had a long day so we decided to head home to take a rest both physically and also for our wallets. lol it's becoming abit slim.


jeremy keeps getting scolded for closing his eyes when we took shots.

i liked the group pic but too bad the one taken with my camera was taken a lil too sudden. i wasn't smiling hahahah looked like a grouch.

it was a good hang out lah.



a grinning shot to wrap things up!

i wonder how lame a person can really get sometimes.. geez.

anyway, CNY's tml. i've got dinner o'er at my cousins' hse tonight and will be meeting wilson after that. bought a new top from ebose. they were havin storewide discount but too bad i got to the shop a little too late cos they closing le.. *sob sob* onli manage to grab a top.



foodcourt never open can!??!

me n mom ate at yoshinoya heeheehee

morning i was sleeping until so happy then mom decides to bang on my door ask me wake up. blurry eyed i woke up and she told me to help her with the blender. she wanna make chilli padi paste. wah lau. ok lah so i helped her loh. quite helpful that thing ahahahah so now mom no nid pound on the stone pounding thingy.

i saw some nice skirts or clothes n all but.. expensive!!!!??? wah lau...

see how much food my dad bought for CNY!!!! thing is, no one comes to my hse for visiting one!!!! (except my step bro n son lah)

work is damn tiring today. had to submit reports but i'm glad i pulled it off. met up with terry right after work to follow him to do some shopping but he managed to only get a belt. i'm not always the best shopping companion hahahaha we chatted all the way actually and had a lil beer o'er at cuscaden but soon i left for home and he left for momo (pub). i was very tired.



see lah my hamster so freakin fat now and loves to sleep in the tunnel (and PEE THERE!?!?!?) sleep until so ugly right? lol

couple of days ago or was it yesterday? a mutual friend of me n wilson got married. i had to work so wilson attended their ROM. as usual they'll be tiny gift outs and wilson brought these two back.



sweet isn't it?

started work for nearly a week already.

today's quite a busy day.
having a crash course recently now i'm on my own to do lotsa mind boggling tasks cos someone's on leave and i gotta take over her tasks. having to wake up so early everyday and go home at six makes me so damn tired at the end of the day.

2nd day of work and while I try to be early for work, I end up struggling to my destination with a blistered foot that soon evolved into feets and a mathametical sum of counting just how many freakin blisters I have. Turned up I was around 5 minutes late but no one really noticed.

The day started off with me having a wholemeal bread with peanut butter and a cup of tea. I ate, I changed, I slapped on some make up and soon, I left for work. All these done within an hour after I woke up. Got to the bus stop and devastatingly saw my bus 31 turn up, stopped, and LEFT. I was a minute too late. Couldn't really run with my new heels. Damn. Sat and waited for ten minutes till the next bus came.

Sat comfortably and all till I alighted and reached Tanah Merah Stn at 8.04am. Alright.. the UPS shuttle bus was suppose to arrive at 8.05am. I'm not sure if I'm late. It's nowhere in sight though.

"The heck with it," and I went on to take the train to EXPO. To my horror, my heel started to hurt. I check and found a ugly blister. The more I walked a few trying steps, the more it hurts with the leather rubbing at the exposed raw skin. I forgot to bring my plasters. I stuffed tissues instead for temporary relief. The real challenge came AFTER I got off the train. My office is a steady 15 minute walk from the station, with a quick pace, that is. I'm with a blister. What more can I say? It was 10 mins to 8.30am. Damn. I struggled, I limped, I dragged my feet, I'm sweating, I felt like hailing a taxi.

Then again, I pictured myself bring thrown out of the cab if I do get one cos it'll only take a min for him.

I see DHL soon after and found myself with only three minutes to spare.. must..CHIONG.

Finally.. UPS House in sight. I got into the building and walked to my office. No one noticed I'm late.

O_O"

erm.. fark?

Oh well.. Better anyway. who wanna get noticed for such things. I took a min to catch my breath and walked to a colleague to let her know my "presence" in the office and told her to approach me if she has things for me to do.

I limped to the pantry to get plasters. I told this to Leehuei over lunch. She sorta collapsed in laughter, get the idea yeah. A nice looking (boyish, but short) young man with ang moh accent was inside. He was announcing updates last friday so I remembered him.) He has this totally lack of expressions. I haven't seen him smile yet. With a mouthful of accent, He talked to me. I heard what he was asking me wrongly basically. TWICE.

"Are you new here?"
somehow became "How is your knee?"

Don't ask me why. I HAVE NO IDEA.

Still, his lack of expression on that serious boyish face. I replied him "blisters" and pointed to my heels. On a 3rd count he repeated and I was like....."Oh..." *paiseh*

Ok lah I paiseh but must ..keep..pride.. though newbie.. O_O"

*hyperventilates*

So I tried to reply him back in a offhand manner with all the accent I could muster up (not being fakish those type lah), "Oh, sorry. Yeah I'm new here. I've just started work last friday."

Then I avoided the awkwardness by asking him if he knew where the handiplasts were. He didn't but I found it anyway. He helped pointing it out.

He is from the Finance & Accounting dept I suppose..? Are they all quite so serious? I scanned around to observe the ladies' dressing. To my horror, they are all wearing standard shirt + (skirts/pants) / dress!? My nightmare came true. Spotted several ladies iwth heels but those that reveals the toe. *starts to imagine a scene of me roasting the HR lady*

I woke up feeling a dread to go work. I admit I'm far happier in Discovery. Anyway, that's the past. Have to observe more to see if I'll like this company enough to feel like I stay here as a perm. 9.11am and I'm doing nothing but sitting in my office penning down my thoughts. No PC to use, no internet. WTH? Shall I read? Perhaps. Everyone's too caught up in their daily tasks to notice me or train me. I recalled how busy I was in Discovery. So much to learn and start doing. I'll probably be very busy from wednesday to friday on a report I have to do. But it's not the same. That, is obligatory and I'm not guided enough. Like having a crash course in swimming and now you want me to do freestyle.

Walking to EXPO for lunch was a huge mistake. It nearly killed my leg.

I really need to shed some weight.

went shopping till our legs ached big time yday with iman. nearly went nuts trying to find myself a good pair of heels. haiz. on tight budget lah. a new shop caught my attention but i forgot its name. nonetheless, i know i'll be visiting that shop very often and my closet will have new company for sure.



i'm lookin fwd to CNY for various reasons and i'm lookin forward to february for good reasons as well.

attended at BBQ under hdb block in toa payoh with wilson for his friend's birthday.
i've eaten around two drumlets and some otah but wilson, my gosh, ate up more than ten drumlets i swear!

JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE!!!! (ahahahahahhahahaha)

I think I wanna watch this.
Alone or with someone.



Click here for the Official Website.

SHEESH!

really! I don't even wanna post any PICTURES about what I'm about to blog for now.

You'll all puke and I would've puked myself silly.

Unless the man i'm blogging about is mentally ok, HE WILL BE CONSIDERED F**KIN.. YUCK.. but i doubt so, so.. all i could do was *shrug* and walk quickly away.

First day of work for me at UPS today. my dear is very very sweet. he starts work at 12pm but he offered to send me to work and please note, i start work at 8.30am. this means my dear boy has to wake up with me at 6.45am. sacrifice can!? lol this reminds me alot of the days when he was still in Ns where i'll wake up super early during my off days to accompany him for breakfast and downstairs to send him off to work.

anyway, first day of work strangely made me felt what i felt when i first went to poly. the uneasiness and dread and i clung on to wilson for my dear life. kept hugging him throughout.

i wonder why.

i suddenly realise i'm in some form of denial. lol to myself.

i insanely deny to believe that i can be loved and that the love can stay.

perhaps trust has been previously exhausted and now it's only showing its tail.

i crazily ask wilson almost every other minute if he loves me. and even if i hear it, my heart is somehow is denial and thus subjected to insecurity and requires crazy amount of reassuring from wilson.

but of course, this is a matter to worry should i not know how to handle it and ignores it, i'll be in trouble lah. but i guess i'll overcome in due time.

dad is trying to convice me that we should share a crab to eat.

O_O

my office's dress code is a bitch. as compared to my previous co lah since previously i can wear jeans EVERYDAY.. *cries* now cannot.. then must spend $$ on workin attires.. RARRGHH..!!!!

will have to go shopping for clothes w iman tml cos i have not much workin clothes.

terry asked me out. much as i wanted to, i'm too brain dead for it.

ok back to topic of the day:

what about the man?

it was a man.. squatting.. to my horror..without pants cos i saw his bare ass.. in front one of the queue up lines in Bedok Bus Interchange. yes. without pants. what's worse, is the fact that he is eatin something and there's a puddle of water under him. either he PEED or whatever.. but still.. w/o pants and squating in public.. wah lau.

i soon regained composure and some wits after being startled out of my senses, i averted my eyes to not probe further on what i truly saw. i took quick steps forward to my initial destination and i overheard one of the uncle bus drivers say in hokkien, "down here over a decade first time see such thing..". he said it with a tone half filled with bafflement and amusement.

my goodness.

above photos taken with handphone, edited only slightly with photoshop.

a bored night leads to a crazy couple attempting nonsense photo shots and two video clips of a crazy boy doing taichi in slow motion.

GU IS CERTIFIED HAMSTER BULLY!!

today ah gu bully the hammies in pet shop. already one poor hammie kena bullied n trampled and PEED (saw a drop of pee near peepee area) cos kena bullied and is in the 'i surrender' position, gu go pokeX3 its stomach and it continues being in the 'i surrender' position and squeaked@each poke..

SO EVIL!

GOOD GOD!

This teaches you not to go for cheap deals.

As gu n i sticked our face against the floor to look under our cabinet, look wad we found!?





shit!?

anyway,

pc died at night yesterday.
feel like trying it out into the sea.

i went to the library today and since Chingling was free again (lol),
we met up for teh-ping again before she dropped by my hse to check the pc.
this time we tried plugging n unplugging stuff tho non of them seems to work.
before she reached my hse and we were still walkin,
i told chingling this.
"if you come my hse and press the button and it works again and when you go home it doesn't, i'll take ur pic and stick it next to the damn cpu. mebbe it'll start workin everyday dat way."

anyway soon after we nearly wanted to give up cos really, we don't know wad on earth was wrong with it! then chingling asked me to just call the technician. i decided a last try but havin her ask any of her IT friends. she did and that person mentioned a "RAM" somewhere and so, we experimented by removing one of the RAMs. (i have 2)

*blue light blinks*

THE PC STARTED!?

you should've seen the expression me n chingling have on our faces.
so stunned can!?

we were like.. "eh sia lah~! can work!"

and i was like.. "WHY RAM!?"

so i decided to call James to ask.
he said most prob cos loose.
wah lan.

so let's hope n pray it's fixed once n for all.

hm..

sometimes i don't know wad on earth to blog about.
let's see how random i can blog.
i'm not blogging with no particular topic.
so let's just go with the flow shall we?

hmm..

couple of things flashed through my mind if i'm gonna focus on wad happened lately..

my job hunts, my sending of application, my dear getting a job and my visits to him at his work place, my interviews, my conflict with mom.. and ultimately, my restlessness.

now that i don't have a decent degree yet and all jobs out there is asking for two damn things namely the degree and also the years of experience, doors to allow fresh grads (equivalent) to even start at a decent/reputable co to get the so-called experience is so tough. perhaps i should pray to meet gui-ren (ppl who brings me good luck). so i've met some pretty crazy inteviewers, some really nice ones, some weird office location and a job i'm keen to get. morals have been devastated with harsh and direct critiscism, yet receiving approving nods as i give replies.. all is so mind bogglingly confusing. traveling in all the rain ain't fun. but life is about appreciating the little things in life and you'll have less grumbles. caught in a huge rain with my heels threatening to fall apart and the mrt is still a good 5 minutes walk away.. wad do u do? play with water and think.."hey at least mrt nearby. imagine i'm stuck in a factory area with uber faraway bus stops" and i feel better and with a fresh intake of air, i have to rely on myself to gather up my enthusiasm to face the day. having a interviewer tell me in my face my make up is wrong and i don't look wad i say i am or i look too young and unconvincing for the position, wad do i do? curse and swear under my breath and be freakin sad the entire day? oh well.. it did screw my day of course, but i did take advice if it rings true. truth hurts i guess.

suddenly i find myself facing the past week quite alone except the fact that i have my gu with me and occasionally i get to hang out for a drink w terry or teh-ping w chingling n partner at the kopitiam. i find things to occupy my time, planning a day ahead wad i'll do tmr so that my time is filled. onli thing that usually screws up my plans is when mom wants me to accompany her somewhere to randomly shop cos scared i bored (when i'm not) and when i don't pay attention when we shop (cos i don't wanna spend) she gives me a pretty fucked up roll eyeball accusatory look saying why i look so sian. i know her good intentions to entertain me. but that's not wad i wanted. i wanted time alone. i wanted time alone to read my books, watch my tv, talk my talk on the phone with whoever i choose to and not have ppl telling me it's unimpt, and i wanna wrap my comics. i didn't want conflict or start conflict. DON'T start nagging about my job hunt or asking me to settle for any job and DON'T talk to me those nonsense about resigning to fate cos i don't know wad fate she's talking about. wad fate!? my life's not that screwed is it? contradiction is everywhere with every comment expressed, another contradicting one comes from her as well and it's like biting your own tongue but i can't really point that out can i? i kept all these grumbles in me and i'm collapsing from within sometimes. feel like yanking my hair out. i CAN find a random retail/admin/simple job if i want and get a 1000+ pay. i don't despise and look down such positions. but i have my own reasons for insisting in only hunting for marketing positions. i wanna gain experience. it's for survival. can no one understand that? i have no degree, i have no experience. all i have, or all i know, was that i spent time, effort, and money, to get myself thro to own a diploma. am i gonna chuck it down the drain? no. not w/o a fight.

i'm getting restless cos i want a job. i want new experience. i want new exposure. i want income and i want to have the ease of spending and not fret about my depleting bank account.

but all's not just grumbles of course. thro all these i did know the importance of a cover letter. i had more respect for appearance and being more presentable. i know more about the right kind of cosmetics for interview. and the right way to answer certain questions. or at least i hope so.

sometimes i find myself wanting to escaping my house cos i KNOW a conflict is brewing just somewhere. with my mom.

chingling was kind enough to come check on my pc today and also help me edit my testimonial.

i'm at ease when my partner is with me. at least i know i'm not facing things alone. and i do know i make him feel at ease too when he is stressed thus visiting him at his workplace and making the effort to accompany him for lunch only and return home is worth it. a sincere hug from him with him telling me how much i put him at ease is rewarding to my soul.

let's just hope things gets better.

hope i get a job.

strangely as i walked thro bugis village with my dear last night i felt.. different. i was hot and sweaty of course but then again, i seldom shop there and squeezing through the crowd and grinning at the cheap deals we get... it's relaxing. more relaxing than shopping in big shopping malls like orchard or bugis junction or wad nots. the crowd, the noise, the people contact is strangely refreshing.

me n gu bought a couple T-shirt. not same design same colour or any of those stuff. similar design but diff words so diff in all and diff colour. still quite unique.

actually.. know wad? re-reading my novels again and again is fun still. cos each time i capture new information and each time, the humour, the description, the language,.. captures me. and i love it.

and i love also, to observe my gu struggling with his novel hahaha cos i'm happy he picked up reading in order to improve his english and i do know it did improve. i'm not a tutor.. and i'm not good at teaching i think.. at least not english. but gu now would read where he tot it impossible nearly a year ago and he refers even to the dictionary! i feel so proud that my heart's gonna explode.

then the tot of how much gu influenced me in my life and i know his significance, his efforts and his importance in me and my stability.

*gets distracted by igallop commercial*

YUCK CAN!?

ok back to topic. *cough*

he made me value my parents more. he made me value ppl. but then again, reminded by once wad iman told me, gu's motivated mainly by anger. he is a rather angsty fellah. now he turning his anger on others and i'm a lil worried of course. i like my nice gu. i feel sad when his angry cos when his angry, it's bcos he is disappointed. i'm happy to get a partner who can discuss and exchange moral pointers with me and on the same hand, we're headin in the same directions in terms of thoughts, in terms of principles and in terms of our goals.

sometimes i worry or wonder.. since his emotions are seldom expressed thro his facial expressions and his actions/behaviour are always subdued.. i tend to wonder about my effect on him. i don't see him over-reaction over the loss of me. perhaps i'm being too much on saying this but then again, this is just a feeling. thus i try to seek an answer.. by asking him directly. and also to have him open up to me more. perhaps it's a woman thing. to only be able to feel reassured by wad they can see and thus feel from wad was seen rather than unspoken feelings.

anyway, gu's reached my place.

time for our dinner at hoo kee pau in geylang.

ciaos

my comp is finally OK again. Chingling came over and strangely, after her magical touch (of which both of us are still scratching our head o'er) has healed my bonkie pc. we still don't really know wad's the cause of its bonki-ness but anyway, it seems to be fixed.

we went o'er to east coast park soon after. the weather was cooling but weird cos the clouds in the sky were weird. you look to your left and you see a brightly lit sky, some clouds but a clear blue sky. you turn to your right and you see this.



weird as it may be, it was still a pretty nice sight and this, is a nice shot.

remember my fat cat project?

here is the fattest cat i've come across so far. and also the most hairy one.


The Changi Village Fat Cat!

was out with sano the other day for lunch in orchard. i forgot why. it was one of those random meet ups anyway. i bought a bag from HUSH HUSH cos it was on discount. saw lotsa cute stuff and adored the brollies but too expensive.



"a picture speakst of a thousand words.."


(click to enlarge)
CAUGHT GUGU IN BATHROOM!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA


(click to enlarge)
i got bored and so did gugu so i took a shot of him hehehe

Astonishingly, as I flipped through my diary that I've kept for years, in one of its earlier entries dated 6th Feb 2001, I saw this:

(translated from my chinese-written entries)
"mom said she helped me consult and fortune teller who uses POKER and he said that this year (2001) wasn't a good year for me to start relationship. the party involved in that particular relationship would be out to cheat / cheat on me."

freaky huh? lol

Nowadays I've been going for job interviews and all and I feel like I'm gonna be driven up the wall by my mom soon.

tho i know wad she tries to tell me are with intentions towards my well-being, but they contradict themselves making me feel really stuck and bad and most importantly, why it sucked is when i strongly disagree against them yet given my mom's character, it's like mission impossible.

Anyway, besides frustrations and plenty of time to spare but also a depleting bank account, I've occupied my time by re-reading my novels, wrapping my books and I intend to wrap up all my comic books with transparent wrapping paper. muahahahaha

mel teo is back in sydney for now and it's back to the phone/letter communication once again.

sano was telling me about him going overseas sometime soon.

hmm hope me n gu's hope to go hongkong this year will come true.
we intend to get ourselves a symbolic gift this year on our First Year Annivasary that's coming up next month.

Time Flies.

sorry lah too lazy end up save n draft n forgot to post this hahahahahha

me n iman went to LOOF. here's the piccys.

Gu was workin on new year eve.

so i spend the last minute of 2005 and new minute of 2006 alone in my hse typing away on my pc.

had to wait for gu to come home and i need to unlock the door for him.

gu took this shot from the hotel room he was in.

nice huh?

i forgot which hotel he was in.



realised also my new haircut very fun to take photos with.


act cute

we were washin our stinky babies. i forgot to dry my feet when i got out of the toilet so i slipped n fell. *sobs*

then since i was holdin on to stinky baby no. 2, i had to like.. avoid slamming or throwing it into the air.. so even as i fell i had to hold my hands up cos stinky baby is in it. so i came crashin down on the stupid flr with a super loud thud and wacked my body in three places. my ankle, my butt n my wrist.

OUCH.

but thank goodness no big injury.



gu's GRIN very kua zhang can!? (exaggerated)

"Being Strong vs. Being Weak"

Both aiming to achieve the same result.
Different Approach.
Which is better?

I admit I've changed and 2005 has been a year involving me and my changes.

Have I become stronger?
Wiser?

perhaps.

Watching David Tao's "ai wo hai shi ta" (love me or her) MTV will forever evoke my senses of past misery. The MTV IS almost like a similar situation I've faced. Seeing how the 'victim' girl behave reminds me of myself. My misery. My pain. Except I wasn't as lucky.. the guy did not return.

When facing a failing relationship.. of the guy involved straying... what do we women resort to... to get the guy back? Cry? Beg? Appear indifferent? Allow yourself to stray as well? Hang on to our dignity and try to be normal? Pretend nothing happened and keep rationalising urself about everything he did?

Must it be at the brink of near insanity, then will the guy realise the damage they did and come back? perhaps some are heartless and callous *is that hw u spell it?*..?

perhaps that's why some women (weaker ones?) felt desperate and know no other way than to create attention by behavin pitiful e.g. slash wrist to threaten, behavin siao siao, behavin mental thus require lotsa attention. and such a vicious cycle make them too used to this method (cos if not the guy happily heck care them) they plunge into depression cos this behaviour feeds on paranoia/ sensitivity/ insecurity/ fear/ jealousy/ doubts...

wad did i choose?
Pride.

i do admit of having put my ego aside and did many crazy things n to bearing a pain so deep n so profound that ppl tot i was nuts. many chose to spare themselve the truth n thus the pain.. i chose instead, to face it or rather, to make decisions that cause me more pain but at least i knew.. all my decisions was considered and clearly decided. i was aware of the consequences i have to bear.

did i do it right?

i don't know.

did i win?

most people would say yes. but did i?

perhaps it's my character. stupid of our kind hold the word 'integrity' with high regard. sometimes i wonder if it's worth it haha..

i chose a path that involves havin my integrity maintained n unstained.

i will not do things and resort to doin things that is beneath me.

but thinking back now i've the itch n regret of not havin done those things sometimes lol. the slapping, the 'break ppl apart with rumours' strategy, scolding the bitch, the destroy everything in his room, being more harsh n direct exclusion of him in my life.. WHY AH? why i never do those things?

but.. (back to the topic of MTV).. the almost-gone-crazy-like crying.. the immense heartache.. the crazily hugging anithing related to the person e.g. bolster, clothes n wad nots..

painful memories.

stupid mtv.